caught between a rock & a hard place

In French they express this thought by stating “entre deux chaises” (between two chairs).  I picture it a bit like when you start sitting down and someone else does the same… aiming for the same chair… the adult version of a kid’s cake walk!?  With your bum balanced in mid-air, where do you go now?

But that is just how I feel when I waiver between self-pity and mounds of guilt.  If I’m having a ‘confusing day’…meaning nothing really feels right;  tastes right;  looks right;  is done right;  etc… everything I attempt that day, I cannot accomplish… but I still think I can, or should (see Calendar Credit for quick relief Image result for emoji faces ).  

With that old-me-drive pushing forward, even after 6+ years of a traumatic brain injury under my belt, I still attempt to go about life as it were the 44 years before this silly little concussion changed my life…

For example… in a feeble attempt of wandering out of my bedroom, hoping for an easy lunch, I try to clean up the kitchen from breakfast.  I put a few dishes in the dishwasher, put the salt & pepper away and then I come across a paper someone laid on the counter yesterday.  Ooops!  That’s the trigger and I’m off…  hmmm… what should I do about that paper?  It has someone’s  number on it that I have been needing to call.  But, I can’t really talk right now because I am cleaning the kitchen and my head isn’t really clear and if I talk to that person it might involve making some decisions… oooh and the pressure of just thinking about that makes me a little dizzy and queasy.  I’ll call my husband and see what he thinks I should do.  No, then I will need to explain all my emotions with the back-story and he’s at work so… yeah… and that just makes me exhausted thinking about trying to explain this silly little decision.  

……… Oh, I’m so tired ….. I should just go lie down when I feel like this.  Right.  I’m going to lie down… but I’ll be more relaxed if I go potty first.  Yes… potty then bed.  Coming out of the bathroom … dang … I see the kitchen is still a mess and I’m hungrier than ever because… oh yeah… that’s why I was cleaning the kitchen so that I would have a clean counter top to make my lunch on!  Right!  So what do I do with this piece of paper?  If I put it away, I will probably lose it and then I won’t ever call that person back.  Oh, a kid just came through the kitchen, she’s hungry too.

AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Image result for emoji faces

So at this point, advice from my TBI brain experts, directs me to give myself a break and just say, “It’s a bad brain day.  Roll with it.  Let go.”  But how do I even get to that break??  Strangely, I cannot get to my bed… which isn’t far away in our little 1,000 sq ft house!  Yet I’m in that dream…. the one where you are running but your legs won’t move.  And… do I really want to give in to this injury?  NO!  I will keep running UP the DOWN escalator… I’ll get there.  I will.  But should I decide that I need to give up??? …well that is much like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.  It makes me feel like I am giving into the injury with self-pity sneaking a peek at me from around one corner and the old-me peering from the opposite corner, silently yelling, “You can do this…it’s easy stuff.  You just did it yesterday and you were fine!”  

So which chair do I sit on?  Ooops that’s another decision… with now loaded and squandered emotions…   

I can’t move…

STOP!  Just STOP!  Get off the escalator.  And think on this…  and this alone…

“This IS the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.”  Psalm 118:24

That’s it. Even though it seems all messy.  He made this day too…like all others.  If I stop, rejoice in what is here, let go, give gratitude… this day will pass. Tomorrow will be new.  And HE has me in the palm of His hand.  Yes, that’s my solace… there’s really just one chair to sit on.  The one He has for me.

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*

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