Tag Archives: traumatic brain injury

…rare opportunities…

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One thing that transpired during my hiatus from this blog, was a rare opportunity to publicly share my summary of this whole ‘concussion adventure’ with my church family. It was a relief to be able to explain myself to those who have watched me go through this… yet maybe not really understand what was happening as I slowly drifted away from church services, Bible classes, social gatherings, volunteering opportunities, etc.  Hey!  I didn’t really know what was happening either… so how could they know?!

In addition, it was a privilege to be able to share God’s goodness in the midst of one of life’s trials. Below, you can read the testimony I gave or watch it read on YouTube….

 

6 ½ years ago, pretty much everything about my core being changed, except my Salvation in Christ.  

On our tiny, local, ski hill …one wrong turn, no helmet, and my own lack of good vision – found me in the ER with a subdural hematoma, otherwise known as concussion or  TBI or traumatic brain injury. If it weren’t for that gift of salvation being the rock in which I stand on and the fortress which shelters me from the storm… this story may have been very faith-less and much shorter. But I stand before the Lord today and proclaim this journey, as a continuous walk of faith…

Many of you knew me before I survived this concussion. Many of you knew me as a very different person pre-February 2011… I did too. This injury has taken me on a 180 degree turn in my life as I knew it for 44 years prior. At first, and often still, I don’t really know how to act as the ‘new-me.’  In fact, I am constantly reverting to the person I was before… but God has had other plans. The most prevalent thread I have noticed along this journey… is His call to “be still and know that HE is GOD.”

Psalm 46:10 arrived in my life shortly after the accident …since then it has been proving to me over and over again, just how faithful God is. This stillness stared me in the face as I walked into this injury a very typical woman of our era…

The old-me wanted to excel at my career and possibly invent the next, best reading intervention to save kids from illiteracy. As deacon-at-large, I wanted to help our church be the best in any area I was called to. I wanted to be a mom that didn’t have to go through the terrible twos or the terror of the teen years… because she had it all prayed thru and all figured out. I wanted to be the wife who didn’t grow old, or weathered with injuries or broken down with sadness. I wanted to be the adult daughter who never needed her parents… but they instead would need me.

The new-me… hasn’t invented anything; has served our church just like anyone else; has been a mom who already has scars from both the twos and the teen years and we are only at ages 19 and 15. The new me has been the wife who NEEDS her husband more than He needs her- has more often lost her beauty and has aged twice as fast as normal (a typical TBI symptom); and … I have been the adult daughter who has needed her parents more than ever before.

As caring friends and family have watched this enormous transition in my life… they will kindly say to me:

~I am praying for your healing.

~We trust in the Lord’s healing for you.

~I still believe that you can be healed from this crazy concussion.

Since about year two into this injury… I began to think…

…what if I am healed… but I just don’t recognize it?

…what if His answer …to what healing looks like ….is very different than mine?

…what if I am healed & instead of waiting for the blessing… I am missing it?

Now, please know that I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior, my Redeemer and my Healer.    He CAN DO the impossible…               …but what if… just what if…  my current condition is a healing from my old condition…         the regular old-me??

What if the Lord could see all…?  🙂   and know all…? 🙂 and He could see that my way of life as an injured, concussed-brain person; disabled employee; a more sedentary wife; a calmer mom; a quieter daughter; a backseat volunteer…     were all a better option for HIS GLORY than the old, un-injured me?

What if one day… when I’m in Heaven… He sits me down and says:  “Lisa, Your traumatic brain injury was a gift. I tried to help you see the blessings that could surround it… yet you spent so much time trying to get rid of it… that you missed my blessings within it.”  

“THIS IS the DAY that the LORD has made… let us rejoice and be glad in it.”  Doesn’t Psalm 118 say that HE MADE TODAY….???  NO MATTER what it looks like… HE MADE it!  He even made it with ME in mind …and content in it!!  So before the sun rose, on this very day … He knew about this injury and all the struggles that have come with it… And… me, as a sinner in this world who is saved ….by GRACE ALONE…. He knew that If I were to keep my eyes on HIM & lean not on my own understanding… He would make my paths straight… and then this day… today… 6 years post-concussion today… would get the ‘okay’ stamp of approval from HIM … for ME ….for today!

WOW!  So if I wallow in my condition & suffer all its losses… I just might miss His gift  for me today.

1 Corinthians 7:17 is constantly reminding me… “only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.”

What if… just what if… He has called the new-me, brain injury to boot… to no longer do the things that for 44 years before the injury… were me?

  • What if He doesn’t want me to be ambitious about teaching kids & their teachers how to grow in literacy skills?
  • What if He doesn’t want me to attend my daughter’s volleyball games….? Maybe He is opening up a door for my husband to be the primary attendee?
  • What if He prefers our family’s lifestyle working around my husband’s career rather than mine… and that’s why the doctors forced me to quit my job?
  • What if He wants me to need my aging parents … rather than them needing me, as I would prefer?
  • What if He wants me to have time to invest in friendships that had been going un-nourished due to being too busy with my career?
  • What if He wants me to be home and be present for my family rather than working 50+ hours a week; or giving and volunteering elsewhere?

Now… as I list this out… you… just like me.. might be thinking… but those all seem like fairly positive things. In fact, all those ways are ways I want to be and I worked hard to be and I felt blessed to be….

Maybe this new-me…. is a new season in life and the time for that old-me is not what is needed right now? It doesn’t mean that those things were horrible or that they were strictly self-gratifying. Many of the old-me ways did glorify Him.

But what if… the Lord saw… planned… created a NEW way for me to live?  Hey… mid-40’s… most people go thru some sort of mid-life crisis and for sure a career change.  So maybe this is the Lord’s plan for my next ‘career’… being a ‘new-me’… trying to live life 180 degrees in the opposite direction from the old-me?!?!?

Now… just because I have  GREAT hope in how the Lord is healing me… doesn’t mean that tomorrow won’t find me in bed… with nausea, sadness & the walls spinning.  By no means have I escaped an injury that prevents me from being overwhelmed by echoing noises, multiple conversations, bright lights or repetitive motions…. hiding behind sunglasses, a hat and ear plugs… or just plain avoidance therapy by staying home!?!?   Neither does this HOPE in healing mean that my life is my own and that I can joyfully attend a work gathering or a wedding by my husband’s side. Nor does it mean that I will like it when my daughter comes home upset – needing to talk & I am doing everything I can to compassionately listen to her all the while my brain is in “ping-pong” mode. Nor does it mean I will be able to be there for a friend or my parents as they attend a funeral of a lost loved one.

And this HOPE in HIS answer to my healing… doesn’t even mean I will be grateful for it all the time!

However, I do have FAITH that God knows the plans he has for me – “plans for welfare and not for evil, to give me a future and a hope.”  I have FAITH that He has created me… and allowed me to be ‘in this Traumatic Brain Injury condition’ in hopes of glorifying Him.

One of my favorite verses comes from Philippians 4… Paul reminds us  “do not be anxious about today… rather with prayer and supplication and ….with THANKSGIVING let Him know my requests.”    I firmly believe this verse is reminding ME to pour out my heart to HIM… not wondering IF HE will heal my brain injury… rather praying in FAITH … in fact with so much FAITH …that I can already start giving THANKS to Him for HEALING my brain injury… before I can even comprehend HIS ANSWER!

So, I move forward in FAITH that God will bless me, my family, and others BECAUSE of this injury/healing.  And I THANK HIM for all He has done and will do with this injury to glorify Him.

I move forward in FAITH that I am healed just the way HE wants me to be healed for now… because He says:  “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made PERFECT in weakness.”

If all of my words were a blur… please just listen to this song… Be Still. Take in its words and enjoy my journey of faith… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWN9xIogFPI

 

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis that they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*

part XI… pregnant??

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September 2011:
Two months back at work and strange things started to happen. Around noon each Thursday I would get super nauseated, beyond tired, often needing to go home sick – sometimes having to spend the next 3 days in bed. Work had begun to make me ridiculously tired – my Tuesday nights began to feel suspiciously similar to Friday nights after a 60 hour week. And then the nausea became more frequent.

PregnantSEMD

Lucie ~ 1998

I took a pregnancy test… because I most definitely had experienced these symptoms twice before in my life!
There is absolutely no way I’m pregnant. I’m 44 years old – I’m pretty sure I’m pre-menopausal for crying out loud! Well it can’t be, I mean, my tubes were tied right after Zella was born. And not just tied, but tied in double knots (if Eddie was finally able to convince the doctor to do it). It’s just not possible, is it? But they say God does have a sense of humor? So…?
Results in. Nope. Not pregnant. Great! But what’s with the pregnant-like symptoms? Hmmm…?
October:
By now my weeks had settled into a consistent pattern:
Monday – exhausted. In bed early.
Tuesday – super exhausted. In bed super early.
Wednesday – whatever’s worse than super exhausted. In bed instantly upon arriving home, then up again and off to church for Wednesday night activities.
Thursday – a little dizzy in the morning… kinda like day 1 concussion back in March… but not that bad… then by noon my body would just sort of shut down. Nausea, Vertigo, Fatigue and Confusion… the Fab Four, all at the same time.
Friday thru Sunday – sick. In and out of bed.

 

PregnantZRD

Lydia ~ 2002

I decided to take pregnancy test #2.  What was that Sherlock Holmes quote… “Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains…” something like that?   Yup… I’ll take the home pregnancy test again, just to eliminate that impossibility once and for all.
Results in. Nope. Definitely not pregnant, and definitely at a loss as to what was making me feel this way.

 

Early November:
Sick and tired and desperate for some kind of answer, I took pregnancy test #3.
Oh what the heck. I’ve been taking pregnancy tests for almost three months now, what’s the harm in another? It’s silly. I know that. By this time, if I was actually pregnant (which of course I could not be) I would have had plenty of other evidence of it. But if I’m not pregnant, why do I keep feeling pregnant?
Results in. I’m not pregnant. Of course not. Yay? I guess..?
But my symptoms were getting worse and work was becoming more difficult. And it seemed that I still wasn’t any closer to finding a reason for them. It was getting harder and harder to just shrug the nausea and fatigue off. After finally ruling out pregnancy, and after doctor visits that ruled out any sickness that might have been causing me to feel that way, my thoughts began to turn back to my concussion. Yet all of the doctors had cleared me, hadn’t they? They had shined lights in my eyes and had me follow their fingers multiple times and told me “You’re good to go. Time to get back in the saddle and leave that brain injury behind you. Go get ‘em tiger!” or something to that effect, which was certainly exactly what I wanted to hear.

 

Actually, it wasn’t all of the doctors that said that. Dr Jennifer, my reliable and knowledgeable chiropractor, hadn’t truly given me the green light to resume my life. I had started going to her on a monthly basis about 5 years prior to my head injury, so she knew me very well. After my accident, when I saw her on my previously scheduled appointments, she started asking me entirely different questions than the other doctors had. She noticed subtle differences in me that neither I nor anyone else had noticed. For example, at my very first visit after the concussion, she asked me if I’d noticed that my speech had slowed. She had an insight into my concussion that was so far beyond my grasp… that I kinda didn’t pay attention to her. When I told her of my failed pregnancy tests and the symptoms that prompted me to take them … and I laughed at how silly I’d been, she didn’t laugh. She looked concerned and quickly ordered a thorough exam of neurological testing in Minneapolis.


“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together.”  Colossians 1:17

In hindsight, I was “sort of” pregnant at that point. Not realizing it at the time, I was awkwardly in the process of unknowingly giving birth to a new era in my life. And like it slowly tipped my world upside down when I had my babies, my life was changing dramatically. As time went on, it was only in him that I was holding together.

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis that they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*

part X… clueless

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The blessing of not selling our home to go bigger and better, was 6 years from being fully realized. As I look back on many phases and decisions in my life, I am frequently reminded of blessings that, at the time, seemed like regular old occurrences. When the Lord tells us, “…He will never leave you, nor forsake you.”  (Deuteronomy 31:6) He truly means it. His ability to patiently bless us beyond our present vision… frankly… astounds me.

By the end of March, I ‘passed’ a follow-up MRI with flying colors. So, per the doctor’s orders, all systems were set on “go” to continue my life as it was, pre-injury.

Lucie’s 13th birthday party welcomed in April. We successfully surprised her and let her and her friends stay up ALL night (a persistent request of hers since age 9). It was a great party with nonsense and noise and even a dance party in our garage with me instigating new and crazy moves to the increasingly louder music.

That was Thursday of Easter weekend. By the time Monday rolled around, I found myself unusually tired and having periods of 3-4 hours/day of blurred vision. Very strange.

Shortly after that, it began to occur to me that attending our church services nearly made me pass out. When I sang I got light-headed. Weird. I wondered why and quit singing.

The next Sunday, halfway through the service, it dawned on me that I had just about no idea what our pastor had been preaching about. Instead of concentrating on the teaching from the pulpit (something I looked forward to every week), my eyes wandered all over the place, taking my brain with them. Zero focus. Just random thoughts about whatever and whomever my eyes landed on:

  • “When did the church get ceiling fans? It’s not hot today. Why are they on and why are they spinning so fast?
  • “Oh, there’s Colleen, I need to ask her about getting the kids together on Saturday.
  • “Is that Lani? Is Rich with her? I have to remember to ask them if they can sub for us next week and lead our Bible study.
  • “Why don’t they turn Pastor Fred’s mic down. It’s so loud.
  • “Sara’s got a new haircut. Very cute. What did I need to tell her? Oh, that’s right. I can’t bring Gabe to AWANA Wednesday night, can she?
  • “When did we get all of these ceiling fans!?
  • “There are the Pedersons. Shoot! … I was supposed to bring our girls’ outgrown snowpants for their kids”.

When church ended and I’d talked to the people I remembered to talk to after the service, I would find myself in a surreal sort of daze, wandering to the car. After arriving back home, I went straight to bed for the rest of the day due to sudden and extreme fatigue and nausea, clueless as to the cause.

  • At school (my workplace), I found myself making odd new requests of my students: “Kids, while I read this story, could you do your best to sit super still?”
    • “Why, Mrs. Drake?”
  • “Well, today I feel a little bit like I’m on a boat all the time, and when you move, it’s like the water moves.”
    • “Oh, we understand that, Mrs. Drake! One time when I was fishing…”
    • “My mom and dad said they felt like that on a plane one time…”
    • “My grandpa took me canoeing when it was windy once and…”
    • Etc…. 

(One of the things I love most about children is their willingness to accept you as you are when you are open and honest with them. It’s like one, big, compassionate and endless hug. I miss those hugs).

It was while I was at work, busy writing reports, emails and other notes for the adult literacy coaching portion of my day, that I discovered that I’d begun to frequently leave off the last letters of the words I was writing. Often entire words were missing. Also very weird.

In early May, after an all-school assembly, I found myself feeling like I was floating. A week later at another assembly, I could feel a wave of nausea slowly creep from my stomach to my head, followed by a feeling of guilt for having to ask my colleague, Sue, to take over my class of 28 kids in addition to her 29 while I rushed out the nearest exit to throw-up. Both occasions left me feeling dizzy, unable to function, in need of a driver to get me home, and in need of 24 hours in bed to recover… with me still clueless as to why.

I found myself in a variety of similarly bizarre situations throughout the remainder of the year. As the 2010-11 school year came to a close I was exhausted and perplexed and looking forward to the relief of summer break more than I ever had before. And thanks to the combined efforts of my mom and my hubby, it was actually going to be a summer off, with none of the usual teacher training seminars and tutoring that I typically filled my “time off” with.

My only summer commitment was a no-pressure, fun commitment. Lucie, Lydia and I all tried out for parts at the local community college’s production of Annie.  And to one degree or another (little Lydia was a stage hand) we all got parts!  Lucie had a growing interest in acting and I thought it might be a great stress reliever for me, so why not? What better way to keep my body and brain active and be a kid alongside my girls?

Funny though, with a cast of about 25, it soon became obvious that I was the one getting yelled at most often by the director… even more than the 15 rambunctious kids playing the parts of the naughty New York orphans! Why? What did he have against me?

One day at practice, Lucie figured it out and came gently to my rescue. It seemed that I was not following the script. I knew my lines but I did not know when and where to deliver them … which was odd, because all my life I have been blessed with a deadbolt lock on my ability to hold things into memory and retrieve them as needed. Now, (this increasingly unrecognizable NOW) though my memory seemed fairly normal, the retrieval process was becoming an obvious mess.

Lucie, Lydia and I proceeded to make four maps and posted them at my four different stage entry points. Each map had explicit instructions – for me alone – as to when, where and what I was responsible for. The director’s voice no longer rang in my ears.

At the end of July the play was over. I felt that the past months’ experiences had left me refreshed and recharged and ready for the 2011-12 school year. On August 1st the lights turned green and my school year began. As usual, it was 0 to 60 in 3.9 seconds – engine screaming and tires smoking.

I felt good. I felt in control again. All went so well at the beginning that I felt like the old me was back! I was confident and moving forward fast as a 50% classroom literacy teacher and 50% literacy coach for teachers. The strange symptoms that came with singing or shouting or talking and laughing with friends; the symptoms that came with listening to the wonderful sounds of a classroom; all of those stormy, seasick symptoms… they all seemed to subside. Whatever all those weird reactions to normal, everyday things were, they must have all been just ‘in my head’.

I was ready to roll…

 

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis that they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*

part IX… selling our home

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Saturday morning, about 4 weeks post-injury, we were finally ready to get the house on the market. Ironically, I woke up with thoughts contrary to that well prepped plan. I said to Eddie, “I need to tell you something. You probably won’t want to hear it… but the Lord has been pressing it on my heart all week and I cannot move forward with the realtor’s pictures today until I get this burden off my mind.”

Blessing #5… a burning bush.

Ed had already been awake and had begun straightening up the house for the website photos that were going to be taken in 4 hours. He came back to bed. “What?” Normally when I deter him from a project it comes with a huff, a sigh and an attitude of frustration that I am interrupting his diligent task. But this time, he was very patient. Very peaceful. Hmmm…

ourhome“Ed, I know what I am about to say is going to be polar opposite of all that we have been working towards and dreaming of for the past 10 years, but I don’t think we should sell the house right now. In fact, I think we shouldn’t sell at all. Possibly ever.”

He just stared at me and said, “Oh my goodness, I had the same thought this week! It’s not that I’m afraid to sell… heck, I’ve moved dozens of times in my life. In fact, we’ve never really even liked this house’s style, layout, size, etc… it was just an easy flip… so we really should stick with the plan to sell this and buy our last home, our dream home. But I feel so strongly about what the Lord has laid on my heart… well… it’s so bizarre… I almost feel as if I have seen a burning bush?!”

“Eddie, it must be of the Lord! This was not even on the menu of options for either of us… tell me more about what He has shown you this past week.”

“Well… I’m not really sure why we shouldn’t sell. In fact, I cannot even justify it in my head. But the Lord has laid it so heavily on my heart that I cannot move forward to sell this house. All morning when I have been prepping, I have felt completely wrong about it. This is amazing!  He has been talking to us both separately… but the same. What has the Lord shown you?”

As he looked at me, I knew there was one more remnant from the Lord’s pressing that I had yet to share with him. “Well…” This next part had me a bit scared as it was an old topic that had been tabled years ago… with the last conversation not being a very pleasant one. “For the first couple days this week, when I felt His leading, I had no words for ‘why’ He doesn’t want us to sell. Then as I continued to pray and chat with Him… I heard Him say… ‘don’t sell the house – pare down your expenses so that you can afford to homeschool the girls.’  I know this is a closed topic that we gave up on years ago… but because your job is now flexible and my job isn’t but it provides other family needs… what if you worked part-time – homeschooled the girls until noon-ish – they could do follow-up work on their own – and then you could go to work in the afternoon? That’s not set in stone… but if we remain in this house… we could afford for you to go part-time. And we could, most likely, afford the costs of home schooling?”

He looked shocked. “That’s a lot of information all at once, Lisa! Where did you come up with all that in a week?”

“Honestly, it all came out of left-field. And I am sorry to tell you all that… all at once… today… hours before we sign papers… but I feel so strongly convicted about it that it would be a mistake to not share it with you.”

“Okay… let’s pray… now.”

Remember the ‘thanksgiving’ emphasis I shared in part VII?  “…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication WITH THANKSGIVING let your requests be made known to God.”   (Philippians 4:6)  Thankfully, right then and there, God stopped the sale of our little, affordable home… so that He was able to provide Bible-based schooling for our girls; quality time between father and daughters; more concentrated family time through rough waters ahead; and 5 years later… He was able to continue to provide a roof over our heads when I had to give up my career due to the lasting effects of my TBI… a financial hit that a larger, ‘better’ home would not have sustained.

Blessing #6… we didn’t sell the house.

So, very slowly, I am learning to pray through a situation with thanksgiving for the coming blessings that the Lord will provide through whatever difficulty I am currently facing.

When I pray only for Him to lessen my anxiety, my focus tends to be on me and how I am handling the situation.

When I pray with thanksgiving, my focus is most definitely on how God will be handling the situation. Then thanking Him, often in advance, for caring for and solving my crisis in His way… in His timing… with His answer… leads me to more faithfully following His sovereign and divine plan.

Blessing #7… we are able to home school the girls.

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis that they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*

 

part VIII… home and whole

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As the days passed, I spent more time sleeping and not moving than I had since I was about 5 years old and had pneumonia. It didn’t yet bother me that I couldn’t move crossBESTILL.jpg without the walls moving with me. I was more than grateful to no longer be vomiting or worrying about the escalating danger. All had been resolved, to my knowledge.  And, I had yet to be frustrated by all that I couldn’t do or say. I was just too strangely exhausted to even know the losses that were coming.

Blessing #3… Family and friends came and went with food, flowers and house cleaning (wish I could have booked that for a lifetime!). It’s funny… when you cannot see an illness, no one (including yourself) believes it is truly there. So, I gradually felt like anything that seemed ‘off’ about my day, was just a figment of my imagination. When people came and went, I felt a bit awkward telling them my story… as I didn’t look too different.

After about a week of obedient ‘resting’, I figured it was time to get back in the game. Although, I still couldn’t function normally – couldn’t drive, couldn’t walk a straight line, couldn’t hold a long conversation, etc. – my fear was that these stagnant behaviors would be my ruin. So, in an effort to CONQUER these weird new post-concussion actions of mine… I kept going… harder.

Yup… just as I had dreamed of in the ER… I purchased my first Sudoku book and tracked my progress in learning for my own proof that I was not losing my cognitive abilities. The girls and I tried out for a play through our local community theater – believing that should cover my summer respite (normally my job required me to be in training or training others all of June and August… but my mom and hubby put the kabosh on that). We continued prepping the house to get it on the market. We returned to our busy family schedule of sports, activities and church life. Planning for Lucie’s 13th surprise birthday party went from my hospital bed head to emails and action. Week two, I went back to work part-time. Week three, I went back to work full-time. Week four, back to work full-time-plus.

Blessing #4… Did I need a severe concussion to find my true identity even though I thought my heart was in the right place? The miracle was… I began to see His heart desires for my life.

“If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations—”  “Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch” (referring to things that all perish as they are used)—according to human precepts and teachings?”  That’s a good question, God! I died to the world’s way the minute I submitted my sins to Your forgiveness and my path thereafter to Your will. So why do I want a better house? Why do I need to work more than is required of me? Why do I desire to fit into the merry-go-round of American expectations? “These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh.” So, Lisa, why do you think you always have to do more?  You need to make enough money to have all that our family needs and wants. You need to be involved in volunteering, donating, church activities, etc. You need to be a good mom, wife, daughter, friend… but why?  (Bible verses –Colossians 2:20-23)

Am I living life for what I need and want, creating a self-made religion? Or am I truly living life for what God has planned for me? Are my actions too self-driven from pride or are my actions a result of waiting upon the Lord’s design and being filled with a sincere passion for Him?

Who am I?

Deep down… truly… who am I?

 

**When I list blessings… I know that there were, and still are, many that I have taken for granted, and as a result, have gone unnoticed. My God is too great for me to be able to list all of His provisions and blessings that have decorated my life so abundantly!  As I cite them, I feel negligent in not capturing them all… but then again, I feel blessed. The fact that He would continue to bless me, in spite of my ingratitudes or ignorance, reminds me that He loves me more than I can even imagine.

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis that they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*

part II… FROM the TOP

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FROM the TOP I begin… only because when you get to know the injured me, it won’t make sense if you aren’t introduced to the pre-injured me!    🙂  

I was raised in a family of four… in North Dakota for 9 years, then Minnesota for another 9 – mostly during the ‘70s and ‘80s.  As I mentioned in ‘part I’… our family’s main dysfunctions stemmed from the disease of alcoholism.  Because of this, there were times of great strife and tension as well as periods of much uncertainty. Despite our flaws, looking back, it could have been so much worse.  I am very grateful for the experience of growing up in my family. My parents loved and still love my brother and me. Throughout our upbringing, we lived in both abundance and need. But we were always a family. Always.

Many privileges decorated my childhood, teen, and young adult years. I ran freely in the woods (literally); I owned and trained every girl’s dream, a horse (Thunder. Oh how I loved Thunder!); I danced both on ice and on gym floors – performing competitively and just for the fun of it; I had a playhouse with young girl secrets hidden within; I floated on lakes and rode fast boats with crazy, fun friends. Gratefully, in addition to all those privileges, my parents also afforded me the opportunity to attend college both locally and overseas. They worked diligently at their careers to make sure I ate well, had a roof over my head, was always loved, knew where home was, and graduated with 2 degrees, 2 teaching licenses and a Masters in Education… ready for the world.

Church was important as we grew up.  Both of my parents taught us to have a healthy respect for God and the church.  We prayed both before bed and at mealtimes; we often talked about God’s viewpoint of right and wrong; we were baptized, confirmed, and raised in a religious setting. This religious setting changed for me at the age of 9, when we left one denomination and began to attend the services of another. And for me, it changed again when I began attending another kind of church in my late teens. Somewhere in the middle of it all, I became confused about the concept of religion.  

As I grew into adulthood, I toggled back and forth searching for ‘the right’ religion for me. I was determined to figure out the right way to worship the God I was raised to believe in. I knew He was real. I believed in His Son. I prayed to Him and was pretty certain that my life would be quite dismal without Him. When I look back, I can now see that Jesus had always been chasing me – wooing me. He had placed people in my life who slowly drew me away from my intense focus on religious requirements, and turned my heart toward a personal relationship with Christ:

~My mom and my grandma taught me to pray – both in good times and in bad.

~I watched several friends become believers in Christ.

~I witnessed great healing in my dad’s life as he laid down his burden of alcohol and surrendered his life to Christ.

~My future husband explained the Bible’s message about the difference between religious works and God’s greatest gift… Jesus.

“But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace.”   Romans 11:6

In September 1992, I finally met Jesus, personally. For real. I finally saw HIS splendor and magnificence clearly instead of through the eyes of religion. I fell in love with Him, and as a result I let go of my quest for a perfect religion… I no longer needed it. I realized what I really needed (all I ever needed) was simply a relationship with the perfect Savior.

The simple Gospel message got me past all of the grey, hazy, religious thinking, and brought me to where I needed to be, and to what I needed to understand: that Jesus died for me, and that I needed to accept that immeasurable gift of His forgiveness so that my life could begin again with a personal knowledge of, and a relationship with, my wonderful creator. What a blessed and eternal freedom I found… and still live by to this day! He is my rock.

“He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.”   Psalm 40:2

In December of 1991, I met my husband. In Florida! Up North girl meets Minneapolis boy down south in The Sunshine State at our mutually best friend’s wedding. A year and a half later I married the boy… a new part of my life began…

listeninglinkzzzz   listening link ~ part II … FROM THE TOP  …click here to listen to the above article… 

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*

all out of options

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This illness can make one feel trapped inside one’s own body.  It can be crippling.  It can be devastating.  Statistically, people who suffer a TBI are more likely to have suicidal tendencies.**  I believe it is due to the brain feeling trapped and unable to function normally  (now don’t you be that statistic!).  You can do this… there are ways to survive.  U R NOT Alone! 

It can also be devastating because this concussion stuff has ‘rocked our world’ to the point where we are  no longer recognizable.  I often describe my life as it having taken a 180 degree turn when the injury occurred.  All that I must now be as a person is the exact opposite of what I had known me to be for 44 years, pre-injury.

So, when I have a day when I cannot recognize me… and I cannot accept my circumstances… yet I cannot change a thing… and everyone is talking too fast or too loud… and I can’t find my other shoe… and the dogs need to go out but I just need to go to bed… and I started something, was it laundry?  No… was it an email?  No…

stopsign4  (just stop!) 

When I just need to STOP but don’t want to ‘give up’, I have a little trick that helps me to know that I existed for a reason today… but I do need to STOP everything.                   Everything…                                        and ‘hibernate’ until this ‘brain spell’ subsides.  After these four accomplishments below, I find that I can safely let go of the day and just cater to my injury… not feel like a failure… leave the laundry… eat a snack bar instead of a meal…. go barefoot…

…so before I crash… I give this a go to give me some purpose to the day.  Please try it and believe that the LORD has a purpose for each of your days:

  1. Read & write any Bible verse on a piece of paper… keep it near… keep rereading it.
  2. Do one easy task for someone else.
  3. Do one easy task for myself.
  4. Let go… be done with my goals for the day… crash… rest ….sleep.

A fellow concussion survivor shares a FUN, survivor-community-building, long-term solution… get your phone ready to download her free APP!

SuperBetter
TBI survivor

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”   

Jeremiah 29:11-13

**References

[Note that I have only cited a small amount of research on this topic… there is a lot more out there!]
*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*

mid-month NEWS & info ~ may 2017

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*NEWS*

  • NEW opportunity on our website’s contact tab:  there is a place for you to submit your personal story! Please write to us and share your trials and successes.  Caregivers, family members and friends are also encouraged to share their perspective… we know it affects everyone.
  • NEW blogs will be posted weekly on Wednesdays.  Please join tripping Up the Down escalator… and follow us so you don’t miss even 1 blog full of blessings!
  • One blog each month will be focused on news & info… just like this one.  🙂
  • Did you know that many of our veterans suffer from TBI?  Below are some ways you can support them either through prayer or finances:
  • TBI Medical ID bracelet ~ finally there is a medical ID bracelet stating that you have had a TBI (an important factor in an emergency situation)!  As a bonus, you can order one while at the same time support our veterans who will tailor make it to fit you… Handmade by Heroes… https://handmadebyheroes.com/collections/medical-related-paracord-bracelets?page=2

info

  • Please know that all words on this website that are underlined and blue are an automatic link to more information on the present topic.
  • Many of my fellow TBI friends have lost the gift of reading… whether it be comprehension, stamina, decoding or vision challenges.  
    • For this purpose, I will slowly be adding this icon & words: listeninglinkzzzz listening link to each section of writing.  When you click on this, you will connect to a YouTube link or a podcast that will READ that section TO U!  
    • Please know there are many stories, songs and TED talks embedded throughout our website where reading is not necessary!

tUtDe = tripping Up the Down escalator

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*

looking to things unseen

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Lately I have been stirring.  Nothing seems to satisfy me.  I cannot quench my thirst or curb my hunger… and for what exactly… I don’t even know.  

Depression is sneaky and nasty all in the same respects.  One thing with depression due to brain injury, it seems to be more of a random battle rather than a consistent one.  That’s the sneaky part.  It feels like I get punched in the gut while looking the other way.  I can be going along… seemingly in a capable rhythm… then without anything dramatic taking place, with no warning, I get in a slump… the depression swarms in, takes over, and is essentially… overwhelming.

For example, let’s just take one aspect of the day – a person’s morning routine. My “pie in the sky” daily routine would be to get up at 7:30a; walk my dogs; have an uninterrupted quiet time with the Lord; 30 minutes of toning exercises while watching the news; take a shower; get dressed and ready for the day by 10:00a…maybe even take a rest break at that moment (because that really was a lot of ‘roogaboog’ for one PCS person :))!  But I’d feel okay with that break because of all the morning I had already enjoyed. Mind you, this is quite a submission on my part, being that I used to do all of the above by 7:00a and then leave for an ambitious work day.  But, I think I am over being depressed about that and now willingly concede to a 7:30a beginning to my day.

Yet, even with conceding to a start time of 7:30a, post-injury I can barely make that happen. For one, to treat my injury fairly…getting up is a chore. Then, if I do manage an earlier start to my day and try for an efficient morning… chances are I will get interrupted and all of a sudden it is 2:30p and all I can do for the life of me is grab a snack and lay my weary body down in bed (and how can I be weary from not even accomplishing half of my morning routine much less anything else?).  That’s the catch!

Now this sounds pathetic to those of you who are still able to work and may not be experiencing Post-Concussive Syndrome (PCS).  But it might make sense as you watch a close friend or a family member struggle to fully recover from a head injury.  On the other hand, to some of you it may sound ungrateful as I read many of your stories and see that it is just a challenge for you to now walk, talk, or care for yourself!   …my apologies…  My legs work.  My arms move normally.  For the most part, I can walk, talk and care for myself.  But on those unpredictable days, there is that untouchable disconnect between my drive and my ability… like there is a gap in my injured brain somewhere now that wasn’t there before.  It’s the Grand Canyon between desire and doing… and I think that makes me lose hope at times.  It is depressing.

Isn’t this new way of life confusing?  I am 6+ years into it and I still try to be the old me!  In so many ways I have admitted and given into it… but there is still that old wiring in my brain that has those expectations of myself… and that desire to get the most out of each day.

”So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I have to hold onto those wise words or I will fall apart.  I believe in Jesus Christ and have gratefully accepted Him as my Lord and Savior… because of this… He promises that my life has already begun an eternity with Him.  So in my light and momentary afflictions, my ‘slump’… I need to read, reread, and s l o w l y  digest the HUGE promises in these verses!  

He is asking me to  not  even  look  at  what  I  can  see… what?  Who says that?!?!  

But He is right.  If I look at what I see, I see a woman who has had her world turned upside down;  income and future plans stripped from her;  success in multiple college degrees and a passionate career – gone;  an athletic body dissolved into flubber;  joy in serving outwardly – gone;  parenting abilities limited;  social escapes – gone;  the list goes on and on….

But what I can sometimes see, when I see my life through His eyes, is how much He loves and has blessed me. I am a woman who now leads a calmer life than I’ve ever led before; who has an income that has been dramatically cut, but is somehow making it financially; whose body is a bit larger, but still fairly healthy; who now finds joy in serving quietly; whose parenting, though limited now to more quiet one on one moments with my daughters, often seems all the more special because of it;  social moments now mean time spent only with very close friends who understand;

And this new, unseen list, goes on and on….

The hopeless list is more apparent. I see it more easily. I feel it more often. But He says that this temporary illness is nothing in comparison to the infinity I will spend with Him in a place of no pain, no fear, no disappointments, no slumps…no NOT ONE…and that is a beautiful vision of the unseen!

Peel my eyes open today, Lord, so that I can place my HOPE in the UNSEEN and let go of what I do see!       In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*

a gray day is okay

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gray day is ok

Photo:  macaroni.and.drake@instagram

Is it? Is it okay to just accept the gray day? I think so. I think, yes…it is OK to just plain feel… whatever…even if it feels like it’s the end of the world. Since my head injury, sometimes I just forget to feel and be sad. Instead I drag it out as this, well, half-hearted happiness.  But I believe the key to this disguised treasure is in my perspective. In this photo, my daughter rushed inside the house and had to show me this “AWESOME” picture she took!  To me, it was just one of a hundred or so pictures she’d taken that day, but she persistently begged me to look at it. I was having an overwhelming brain day – spinning – anti-productive – nauseated- …seriously…what could be that awesome?  Yet she had to show me….

..This picture, of a gray, gloomy, April day when all us northerners dream of a spring that no longer seems possible!  Yes…that’s the picture she was telling me was beautiful!?  “Mama, look at the colors. The fog, how it takes over the trees and our lane. The snow, how it imitates the color of the sky. Look at the color of my sweatshirt and my nails against the other neutral colors….”  Her list went on, and on and on.  And then, I saw it!  This day had a beauty only she could see. I didn’t know it, but I needed her to bring life to this day, to light (or life) for me… and she did!

The Lord says that He will never leave us nor forsake us. In my daughter’s photo He intricately crafted the beauty of His nature and showed me what was beyond my initial understanding – that He will meet us anywhere we call on Him. He took the obvious gloom of a cold April day in Minnesota and moved me beyond and ABOVE it. Now I was able to see the gray through His eyes. There is beauty there, because He created it. He showed me the beauty of gray – the beauty to be found in my every-day life of just trying to make it sanely to tomorrow.

Is your situation gloomy today?  You’ve taken another step forward and moved two steps back on an escalator moving the wrong way, possibly? Your circumstances haven’t changed – it’s the same old street on another dreary April day. But would you do this? Would you challenge yourself to find beauty in yet another cold, gray day? It’s His April. Gray is a color that He created. There must be some light there. Some life.

As you lie in your bed, feeling the same old pain…

As you get a call from your doctor, hearing the same old news…

As you try to make yourself a meal, and struggle with the same old confusion…

I CHALLENGE YOU!

…what is the hidden beauty that is waiting for you to discover it?  Find it… Write it… Post it on your mirror… Leave a note to yourself in your kitchen about the blessings there…. Walk outside and breathe… what blessings are you inhaling?  Come back inside… do you have warmth?  That’s a blessing.  Can you feel the warmth?  That’s a blessing.  Can you see your room, your chair, your couch?  That’s a blessing.

“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think… to him be glory… throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”    Ephesians 3:20-21

Tell the world your blessings…. and we, too, will be blessed.  Please add just ONE blessing you found today in the comment link below…

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*