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part II… FROM the TOP

FROM the TOP I begin… only because when you get to know the injured me, it won’t make sense if you aren’t introduced to the pre-injured me!    🙂  

I was raised in a family of four… in North Dakota for 9 years, then Minnesota for another 9 – mostly during the ‘70s and ‘80s.  As I mentioned in ‘part I’… our family’s main dysfunctions stemmed from the disease of alcoholism.  Because of this, there were times of great strife and tension as well as periods of much uncertainty. Despite our flaws, looking back, it could have been so much worse.  I am very grateful for the experience of growing up in my family. My parents loved and still love my brother and me. Throughout our upbringing, we lived in both abundance and need. But we were always a family. Always.

Many privileges decorated my childhood, teen, and young adult years. I ran freely in the woods (literally); I owned and trained every girl’s dream, a horse (Thunder. Oh how I loved Thunder!); I danced both on ice and on gym floors – performing competitively and just for the fun of it; I had a playhouse with young girl secrets hidden within; I floated on lakes and rode fast boats with crazy, fun friends. Gratefully, in addition to all those privileges, my parents also afforded me the opportunity to attend college both locally and overseas. They worked diligently at their careers to make sure I ate well, had a roof over my head, was always loved, knew where home was, and graduated with 2 degrees, 2 teaching licenses and a Masters in Education… ready for the world.

Church was important as we grew up.  Both of my parents taught us to have a healthy respect for God and the church.  We prayed both before bed and at mealtimes; we often talked about God’s viewpoint of right and wrong; we were baptized, confirmed, and raised in a religious setting. This religious setting changed for me at the age of 9, when we left one denomination and began to attend the services of another. And for me, it changed again when I began attending another kind of church in my late teens. Somewhere in the middle of it all, I became confused about the concept of religion.  

As I grew into adulthood, I toggled back and forth searching for ‘the right’ religion for me. I was determined to figure out the right way to worship the God I was raised to believe in. I knew He was real. I believed in His Son. I prayed to Him and was pretty certain that my life would be quite dismal without Him. When I look back, I can now see that Jesus had always been chasing me – wooing me. He had placed people in my life who slowly drew me away from my intense focus on religious requirements, and turned my heart toward a personal relationship with Christ:

~My mom and my grandma taught me to pray – both in good times and in bad.

~I watched several friends become believers in Christ.

~I witnessed great healing in my dad’s life as he laid down his burden of alcohol and surrendered his life to Christ.

~My future husband explained the Bible’s message about the difference between religious works and God’s greatest gift… Jesus.

“But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace.”   Romans 11:6

In September 1992, I finally met Jesus, personally. For real. I finally saw HIS splendor and magnificence clearly instead of through the eyes of religion. I fell in love with Him, and as a result I let go of my quest for a perfect religion… I no longer needed it. I realized what I really needed (all I ever needed) was simply a relationship with the perfect Savior.

The simple Gospel message got me past all of the grey, hazy, religious thinking, and brought me to where I needed to be, and to what I needed to understand: that Jesus died for me, and that I needed to accept that immeasurable gift of His forgiveness so that my life could begin again with a personal knowledge of, and a relationship with, my wonderful creator. What a blessed and eternal freedom I found… and still live by to this day! He is my rock.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.”   Psalm 40:2

In December of 1991, I met my husband. In Florida! Up North girl meets Minneapolis boy down south in The Sunshine State at our mutually best friend’s wedding. A year and a half later I married the boy… a new part of my life began…

listeninglinkzzzz   listening link ~ part II … FROM THE TOP  …click here to listen to the above article… 

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*
Unknown's avatar

part I… what just happened?

As we began this site of resources and the blog that sort of naturally spilled out of it… I jumped into the middle of blogging feelings, accommodations, and symptoms of life with an Invisible Illness… with hopes of capturing YOU where YOU are at.  The mission was and still is… to boldly share the secret life I feel I have been living so that you, too, can break out of your shell and, with me, come to some sort of compromise of acceptance.

You need to know that this isn’t like me. A co-worker once told me that I was known as “the vault” among my colleagues. Which, in my line of work, was not a bad thing. But she was right in more ways than just the professional end of things… I’ve always had trouble sharing my true feelings. I grew up in a wonderful, kind and loving family with only one little dysfunction… alcoholism. Although I think it is pretty impossible to have a ‘normal’ family without any sort of dysfunction… this particular dysfunction quickly taught me how to cope – quietly covering up adversity while at the same time putting my life on cruise control no matter what was going on underneath.  In addition to learning those life skills, I came from ‘good German and Norwegian stock’… aka… unswerving perseverance (I mean really, how did our ancestors live in sod huts and survive North Dakota winters? Seriously!).

So this website… blog… Facebook … this sharing-yourself-world is sort of new to me, and kind of scary.  For example, when I got my Facebook account, I set it up with a fake birthday – thinking I’m helping to protect myself from being too revealing. Well, I just got 80+ birthday wishes for my fake FB birthday… a few of them in person… very embarrassing. Somehow I didn’t see that coming!

“For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God.”      2 Corinthians 4:15

So this new and uncharted territory – makes me very surprised that any of this tripping UP the DOWN escalator endeavor is even happening. But The Lord doesn’t ask us to do what is comfortable for us… just ask Moses, Jonah, Paul, and a few others!  I believe the Lord has asked me to be as raw as I can on this website, not just for me… but for others.  When you read my story… know that the desire is that it will inspire your story… to be real… to let you feel… to help you conquer… to not give in… and to help you heal.

I have been asked to share my story… FROM THE TOP.  Many of you reading this have been a part of that narrative… and yet you still ask. Which is strange, but not as strange as the fact that it is my story and there are times when I still ask  … what just happened?  Remember stories of olden days when someone would literally stop the clocks in their home when a family member died?  Well, this injury has made me long for all clocks to stop. Not that I have died, but a part of me did in 2011. And, for the past 6 years, somewhere deep within me, I have been waiting for time to stop… so I could figure out what just happened.

“Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God,”           2 Corinthians 3:5

Over the next 2 or possibly 200 blogs, I will walk you through my story. Hold on for me, please. Be patient. I don’t know what all I will reveal. I am not showing up for this task all polished and prepared.  Hebrews 13:20-21 is often summarized like this:  the Lord does not call the equipped but equips the called. Please pray that He equips my pen as the words pour out and pray for your heart as it receives them.  I pray that God will be glorified.

listeninglinkzzzz listening link ~ part I … what just happened?  …click here to listen to the above article… 

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*
Unknown's avatar

bbd…

bbd = bad brain days… too much has been going on for my brain to get the rest it needs and be able to focus on our weekly Wednesday post at the same time (so weird…when I used to be able to accomplish 10 x what I can now?!?!?).  Sorry, there will not be a post today.  See you NEXT Wednesday!

Thanks for following us on tripping UP the DOWN escalator!  

Maybe this week is a good chance to explore another section of our website??  Check out the ‘encouraging words’ black subheading in U R NOT alone!  Here you will find a selection of YouTube videos that I find really uplifting…

“Be still and know that I am God.”   Psalm 46:10

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*
Unknown's avatar

all out of options

This illness can make one feel trapped inside one’s own body.  It can be crippling.  It can be devastating.  Statistically, people who suffer a TBI are more likely to have suicidal tendencies.**  I believe it is due to the brain feeling trapped and unable to function normally  (now don’t you be that statistic!).  You can do this… there are ways to survive.  U R NOT Alone

It can also be devastating because this concussion stuff has ‘rocked our world’ to the point where we are  no longer recognizable.  I often describe my life as it having taken a 180 degree turn when the injury occurred.  All that I must now be as a person is the exact opposite of what I had known me to be for 44 years, pre-injury.

So, when I have a day when I cannot recognize me… and I cannot accept my circumstances… yet I cannot change a thing… and everyone is talking too fast or too loud… and I can’t find my other shoe… and the dogs need to go out but I just need to go to bed… and I started something, was it laundry?  No… was it an email?  No…

stopsign4  (just stop!) 

When I just need to STOP but don’t want to ‘give up’, I have a little trick that helps me to know that I existed for a reason today… but I do need to STOP everything.                   Everything…                                        and ‘hibernate’ until this ‘brain spell’ subsides.  After these four accomplishments below, I find that I can safely let go of the day and just cater to my injury… not feel like a failure… leave the laundry… eat a snack bar instead of a meal…. go barefoot…

…so before I crash I give this a go to give me some purpose to the day.  Please try it and believe that the LORD has a purpose for each of your days:

  1. Read & write any Bible verse on a piece of paper… keep it near… keep rereading it.
  2. Do one easy task for someone else.
  3. Do one easy task for myself.
  4. Let go… be done with my goals for the day… crash… rest ….sleep.

A fellow concussion survivor shares a FUN, survivor-community-building, long-term solution… get your phone ready to download her free APP!

SuperBetter
TBI survivor

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.”   

Jeremiah 29:11-13

**References

[Note that I have only cited a small amount of research on this topic… there is a lot more out there!]
*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*
Unknown's avatar

mid-month NEWS & info ~ may 2017

*NEWS*

  • NEW opportunity on our website’s contact tab:  there is a place for you to submit your personal story! Please write to us and share your trials and successes.  Caregivers, family members and friends are also encouraged to share their perspective… we know it affects everyone.
  • NEW blogs will be posted weekly on Wednesdays.  Please join tripping Up the Down escalator… and follow us so you don’t miss even 1 blog full of blessings!
  • One blog each month will be focused on news & info… just like this one.  🙂
  • Did you know that many of our veterans suffer from TBI?  Below are some ways you can support them either through prayer or finances:
  • TBI Medical ID bracelet ~ finally there is a medical ID bracelet stating that you have had a TBI (an important factor in an emergency situation)!  As a bonus, you can order one while at the same time support our veterans who will tailor make it to fit you… Handmade by Heroes… https://handmadebyheroes.com/collections/medical-related-paracord-bracelets?page=2

info

  • Please know that all words on this website that are underlined and blue are an automatic link to more information on the present topic.
  • Many of my fellow TBI friends have lost the gift of reading… whether it be comprehension, stamina, decoding or vision challenges.  
    • For this purpose, I will slowly be adding this icon & words: listeninglinkzzzz listening link to each section of writing.  When you click on this, you will connect to a YouTube link or a podcast that will READ that section TO U!  
    • Please know there are many stories, songs and TED talks embedded throughout our website where reading is not necessary!

tUtDe = tripping Up the Down escalator

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*
Unknown's avatar

looking to things unseen

Lately I have been stirring.  Nothing seems to satisfy me.  I cannot quench my thirst or curb my hunger… and for what exactly… I don’t even know.  

Depression is sneaky and nasty all in the same respects.  One thing with depression due to brain injury, it seems to be more of a random battle rather than a consistent one.  That’s the sneaky part.  It feels like I get punched in the gut while looking the other way.  I can be going along… seemingly in a capable rhythm… then without anything dramatic taking place, with no warning, I get in a slump… the depression swarms in, takes over, and is essentially… overwhelming.

For example, let’s just take one aspect of the day – a person’s morning routine. My “pie in the sky” daily routine would be to get up at 7:30a; walk my dogs; have an uninterrupted quiet time with the Lord; 30 minutes of toning exercises while watching the news; take a shower; get dressed and ready for the day by 10:00a…maybe even take a rest break at that moment (because that really was a lot of ‘roogaboog’ for one PCS person :))!  But I’d feel okay with that break because of all the morning I had already enjoyed. Mind you, this is quite a submission on my part, being that I used to do all of the above by 7:00a and then leave for an ambitious work day.  But, I think I am over being depressed about that and now willingly concede to a 7:30a beginning to my day.

Yet, even with conceding to a start time of 7:30a, post-injury I can barely make that happen. For one, to treat my injury fairly…getting up is a chore. Then, if I do manage an earlier start to my day and try for an efficient morning… chances are I will get interrupted and all of a sudden it is 2:30p and all I can do for the life of me is grab a snack and lay my weary body down in bed (and how can I be weary from not even accomplishing half of my morning routine much less anything else?).  That’s the catch!

Now this sounds pathetic to those of you who are still able to work and may not be experiencing Post-Concussive Syndrome (PCS).  But it might make sense as you watch a close friend or a family member struggle to fully recover from a head injury.  On the other hand, to some of you it may sound ungrateful as I read many of your stories and see that it is just a challenge for you to now walk, talk, or care for yourself!   …my apologies…  My legs work.  My arms move normally.  For the most part, I can walk, talk and care for myself.  But on those unpredictable days, there is that untouchable disconnect between my drive and my ability… like there is a gap in my injured brain somewhere now that wasn’t there before.  It’s the Grand Canyon between desire and doing… and I think that makes me lose hope at times.  It is depressing.

Isn’t this new way of life confusing?  I am 6+ years into it and I still try to be the old me!  In so many ways I have admitted and given into it… but there is still that old wiring in my brain that has those expectations of myself… and that desire to get the most out of each day.

”So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

I have to hold onto those wise words or I will fall apart.  I believe in Jesus Christ and have gratefully accepted Him as my Lord and Savior… because of this… He promises that my life has already begun an eternity with Him.  So in my light and momentary afflictions, my ‘slump’… I need to read, reread, and s l o w l y  digest the HUGE promises in these verses!  

He is asking me to  not  even  look  at  what  I  can  see… what?  Who says that?!?!  

But He is right.  If I look at what I see, I see a woman who has had her world turned upside down;  income and future plans stripped from her;  success in multiple college degrees and a passionate career – gone;  an athletic body dissolved into flubber;  joy in serving outwardly – gone;  parenting abilities limited;  social escapes – gone;  the list goes on and on….

But what I can sometimes see, when I see my life through His eyes, is how much He loves and has blessed me. I am a woman who now leads a calmer life than I’ve ever led before; who has an income that has been dramatically cut, but is somehow making it financially; whose body is a bit larger, but still fairly healthy; who now finds joy in serving quietly; whose parenting, though limited now to more quiet one on one moments with my daughters, often seems all the more special because of it;  social moments now mean time spent only with very close friends who understand;

And this new, unseen list, goes on and on….

The hopeless list is more apparent. I see it more easily. I feel it more often. But He says that this temporary illness is nothing in comparison to the infinity I will spend with Him in a place of no pain, no fear, no disappointments, no slumps…no NOT ONE…and that is a beautiful vision of the unseen!

Peel my eyes open today, Lord, so that I can place my HOPE in the UNSEEN and let go of what I do see!       In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*
Unknown's avatar

a gray day is okay

 

gray day is ok

Photo:  macaroni.and.drake@instagram

Is it? Is it okay to just accept the gray day? I think so. I think, yes…it is OK to just plain feel… whatever…even if it feels like it’s the end of the world. Since my head injury, sometimes I just forget to feel and be sad. Instead I drag it out as this, well, half-hearted happiness.  But I believe the key to this disguised treasure is in my perspective. In this photo, my daughter rushed inside the house and had to show me this “AWESOME” picture she took!  To me, it was just one of a hundred or so pictures she’d taken that day, but she persistently begged me to look at it. I was having an overwhelming brain day – spinning – anti-productive – nauseated- …seriously…what could be that awesome?  Yet she had to show me….

..This picture, of a gray, gloomy, April day when all us northerners dream of a spring that no longer seems possible!  Yes…that’s the picture she was telling me was beautiful!?  “Mama, look at the colors. The fog, how it takes over the trees and our lane. The snow, how it imitates the color of the sky. Look at the color of my sweatshirt and my nails against the other neutral colors….”  Her list went on, and on and on.  And then, I saw it!  This day had a beauty only she could see. I didn’t know it, but I needed her to bring life to this day, to light (or life) for me… and she did!

The Lord says that He will never leave us nor forsake us. In my daughter’s photo He intricately crafted the beauty of His nature and showed me what was beyond my initial understanding – that He will meet us anywhere we call on Him. He took the obvious gloom of a cold April day in Minnesota and moved me beyond and ABOVE it. Now I was able to see the gray through His eyes. There is beauty there, because He created it. He showed me the beauty of gray – the beauty to be found in my every-day life of just trying to make it sanely to tomorrow.

Is your situation gloomy today?  You’ve taken another step forward and moved two steps back on an escalator moving the wrong way, possibly? Your circumstances haven’t changed – it’s the same old street on another dreary April day. But would you do this? Would you challenge yourself to find beauty in yet another cold, gray day? It’s His April. Gray is a color that He created. There must be some light there. Some life.

As you lie in your bed, feeling the same old pain…

As you get a call from your doctor, hearing the same old news…

As you try to make yourself a meal, and struggle with the same old confusion…

I CHALLENGE YOU!

…what is the hidden beauty that is waiting for you to discover it?  Find it… Write it… Post it on your mirror… Leave a note to yourself in your kitchen about the blessings there…. Walk outside and breathe… what blessings are you inhaling?  Come back inside… do you have warmth?  That’s a blessing.  Can you feel the warmth?  That’s a blessing.  Can you see your room, your chair, your couch?  That’s a blessing.

“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think… to him be glory… throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”    Ephesians 3:20-21

Tell the world your blessings…. and we, too, will be blessed.  Please add just ONE blessing you found today in the comment link below…

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*
Unknown's avatar

learning to laugh

  SuperBetter ~  an inspirational story that brought a TBI sufferer out from under the covers! Also, she has created a TBI app idea that might be for YOU?

Image result for emoji faces  Giggling at our new reality.  Go ahead… read these and laugh!  It might just lighten up the darkness!

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*
Unknown's avatar

caught between a rock & a hard place

In French they express this thought by stating “entre deux chaises” (between two chairs).  I picture it a bit like when you start sitting down and someone else does the same… aiming for the same chair… the adult version of a kid’s cake walk!?  With your bum balanced in mid-air, where do you go now?

But that is just how I feel when I waiver between self-pity and mounds of guilt.  If I’m having a ‘confusing day’…meaning nothing really feels right;  tastes right;  looks right;  is done right;  etc… everything I attempt that day, I cannot accomplish… but I still think I can, or should (see Calendar Credit for quick relief Image result for emoji faces ).  

With that old-me-drive pushing forward, even after 6+ years of a traumatic brain injury under my belt, I still attempt to go about life as it were the 44 years before this silly little concussion changed my life…

For example… in a feeble attempt of wandering out of my bedroom, hoping for an easy lunch, I try to clean up the kitchen from breakfast.  I put a few dishes in the dishwasher, put the salt & pepper away and then I come across a paper someone laid on the counter yesterday.  Ooops!  That’s the trigger and I’m off…  hmmm… what should I do about that paper?  It has someone’s  number on it that I have been needing to call.  But, I can’t really talk right now because I am cleaning the kitchen and my head isn’t really clear and if I talk to that person it might involve making some decisions… oooh and the pressure of just thinking about that makes me a little dizzy and queasy.  I’ll call my husband and see what he thinks I should do.  No, then I will need to explain all my emotions with the back-story and he’s at work so… yeah… and that just makes me exhausted thinking about trying to explain this silly little decision.  

……… Oh, I’m so tired ….. I should just go lie down when I feel like this.  Right.  I’m going to lie down… but I’ll be more relaxed if I go potty first.  Yes… potty then bed.  Coming out of the bathroom … dang … I see the kitchen is still a mess and I’m hungrier than ever because… oh yeah… that’s why I was cleaning the kitchen so that I would have a clean counter top to make my lunch on!  Right!  So what do I do with this piece of paper?  If I put it away, I will probably lose it and then I won’t ever call that person back.  Oh, a kid just came through the kitchen, she’s hungry too.

AAAAAAHHHHHH!

Image result for emoji faces

So at this point, advice from my TBI brain experts, directs me to give myself a break and just say, “It’s a bad brain day.  Roll with it.  Let go.”  But how do I even get to that break??  Strangely, I cannot get to my bed… which isn’t far away in our little 1,000 sq ft house!  Yet I’m in that dream…. the one where you are running but your legs won’t move.  And… do I really want to give in to this injury?  NO!  I will keep running UP the DOWN escalator… I’ll get there.  I will.  But should I decide that I need to give up??? …well that is much like fingernails on a chalkboard to me.  It makes me feel like I am giving into the injury with self-pity sneaking a peek at me from around one corner and the old-me peering from the opposite corner, silently yelling, “You can do this…it’s easy stuff.  You just did it yesterday and you were fine!”  

So which chair do I sit on?  Ooops that’s another decision… with now loaded and squandered emotions…   

I can’t move…

STOP!  Just STOP!  Get off the escalator.  And think on this…  and this alone…

“This IS the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.”  Psalm 118:24

That’s it. Even though it seems all messy.  He made this day too…like all others.  If I stop, rejoice in what is here, let go, give gratitude… this day will pass. Tomorrow will be new.  And HE has me in the palm of His hand.  Yes, that’s my solace… there’s really just one chair to sit on.  The one He has for me.

*This document is the sole property of L. Marie Drake © 2017.  Permission granted for printing copies of this page on the basis they are not used for personal profit or any financial gain. Thank you.*